I am working on starting my own business as a writer. Like really doing it. Really writing and really putting myself out there – my name and my truth. For it to be received without freaking out about how it’s going to be received. And without even knowing yet exactly how I’m going to do it, but trusting in divine guidance and inspiration.
So I am taking an awesome business course for entrepreneurs, (B-School!) and it’s really awesome – I get more amazed every day by Marie and how I aligned I am with her and her content. Like I feel like she was made for me and that this was totally meant to be.
And as I’m going through one of the lessons, she mentions some things that the course will not be covering and which I would need an accountant and attorney for. And I briefly paused to imagine that for a moment. Me, hire these people? Who would I hire? And instantly my mind jumped to Heather, my attorney friend. I’d hire her in a heartbeat.
Except I can’t, because she killed herself five years ago.
I think about her a lot, maybe seemingly disproportionately for what a brief moment she was in my life. I spent about 10 days with her in St. Croix, when I couchsurfed at her seaside studio. I had not ever met her prior to that, and after that we hung out only a handful of times more. Eventually I left the island and we kept in touch only occasionally through email and Facebook.
I wish I had done so much more. She had done so much for me – not just hosting me on Couchsurfing. The fact that she had even shown up – she was a new member on the site. I was on St. Croix with nowhere to go, and we made arrangements through the website for her to pick me up from the grocery store and take me back to her place. And that’s exactly what she did. She arrived in her silver Cavalier, my knight in shining armor. I stayed there for ten days, and we poured our hearts out to each other over dinner and wine under the stars. We went hiking, she lent me her snorkeling gear for days when she was at work. She also introduced me to my next adventure, interning at a local organic farm, which totally changed my life. Seriously, she was an angel.
But she was also deeply troubled, some of which she revealed during our long talks, but it became more apparent over the next while. One day I received a voice message from her that was terrifying. She was heavily drugged and I could just barely make out she was in the hospital. It was agonizing to wait for someone who would take me to her.
It was then I learned that she was suicidal, and had been for some time. She had taken pills and crashed her car into a tree – on purpose. At the hospital she asked me to get some razors for her.
It was distressing. The worst part was that I felt completely helpless. I wanted to save her and yet it was also like she was a mirror for me (I was also suicidal, just in denial about it), and I just sat there dumbly, or said some glib positive thing. I could not give her “me”, the horrible honesty.
Later I talked it over with a good friend, asking advice if there was anything I could do. He said there were short-term things, sure, but what he had learned is that if someone is intent on doing it, they end up doing it.
And that’s just what happened.
But I just don’t think it had to happen.
I don’t know really. It’s not for me to say what another’s journey of the soul is. And there are times I have thought maybe suicide is a better option than living a horrible life — that the negative karma of that would set you back more than just cutting your losses and bailing now.
But what I do know is that, I still need her. If she were here, she could be my attorney.
But I wasn’t there for her. I didn’t do enough to keep her alive. I didn’t reach out to her those times when it would occur to me so inconveniently, right before I was about to fall asleep.
Maybe it wouldn’t be worth it to her – stay alive to be my attorney some day? Please. How egotistical can I be?
But maybe there are others who needed her too.
That’s why, ultimately, I am an advocate of staying alive until the moment God calls you back, and not a moment sooner. Don’t do it at your own hand, because you don’t know enough.
Like, what if you did it, and when you got to the other side, in your after life review you were shown some amazing thing that would have happened if you had just stayed around a little longer? Maybe made some other choice?
Life is a game of choices, always unfolding.
Don’t be in a hurry to end it. Maybe instead, end the choices you have been making that got you to that point. And make a new, better choice — something that will lead to a life you want to live. Make that choice every day.
I miss my friend. I wish I had done much more for her. She helped me so much, and I know if she were still alive, she still would be helping me.
We all need each other. We all have a piece of the puzzle, and together, we make up the big picture. Don’t take yourself out of it, and don’t let your friends and family take themselves out either. They need us, and we need them.
Life depends on it.
Spiritual Life Support 