Some things really are meant to be, and one thing that finally happened for me is a breathwork session. I remember reading about this back in 2014, and I was interested, but also afraid, mainly because there were no practitioners in my area and I didn’t feel strong enough to do it on my own.
Fast forward to last weekend – just a few days before I had received an email newsletter from The Wellness Collective, with its newest workshop offerings, and I felt a strong pull like there was something in there I needed to see. Sure enough – a breathwork workshop. It sounded amazing, but I was bracing myself to see a $195 participant fee – what a relief when I saw it was only $60. That was doable. I sent a message to count me in.
I did have anxiety about the workshop, and the night before I even had a dream that they canceled me out of it. But awake, driving there, there was no way I wasn’t going to go. I still felt the pull. I knew this would be it for me.
And it was. First, the practitioner and his assistant were brilliant, and I felt so much gratitude and love for them. Not romantic love, but a deeper love, the love from one soul to another for its divine presence, its divine work. What we did together that day is so important and I felt it ripple out into time-space to change the course and the outcome for truly all of the cosmos. There is a special place in my heart for healers.
There also, not surprisingly, was a predator there. Unsurprising because I’ve seen it so many times now, whenever you have souls doing great work there is opposition present. Especially within new age communities. It was a sexual predator, and it may have actually not been him but a demon working through him, as he reported being unconscious during the session, which is not supposed to happen. A lot of other things happened that weren’t supposed to happen, either.
He seemed to have confused breathwork for kundalini yoga. Throughout the session, he was breathing heavily, rapidly, and loudly, and it sounded as if he were having sex. After the session he admitted he actually brought himself to orgasm – several times. During the session he also removed all of his clothing and was touching himself. He also kept moving closer and closer to me. All of this made it extremely difficult for me to focus on my own process and surrender to it, which is what the entire thing is about. I finally had to get up and move to another corner of the room, and only then could I really start to get into my own being.
To be clear, there is absolutely nothing sexual or sexy about breathwork. That guy was not doing it right at all, and I had to really work at not being annoyed at him for imposing his deviance on everyone else, and seemingly me in particular. I know why he was doing it – it was to subvert our own healing experience and to harvest sexual energy/attention out of us. I think the facilitators should have been a little less “there are no rules” and “no judgment” and instead put their foot down on what was clearly abuse. I would have done so if I had been in that position of authority.
On second thought, fuck that. If I ever see anything like that again, I will march right on over there and remind him of his mother.
That is what has to be done, you see. That is what the process was about for me. That is specifically the healing I went there for: not being afraid to speak from my heart, and to stand up for myself, and to put predators in their place.
So that’s why I’m not really mad at that guy, because I can see that was all part of my learning and healing. That is the point I arrived at during my session, which was quite profound.
It was a three hour workshop. The first half hour or so was an introduction and EDM dancing (which was actually great). The next part was an active meditation, three rounds of breathing through the chakras. This was a powerful experience for me as I was seeing colors and getting a lot of things moving in preparation for the main event. And then there it was. We got into it.
For those who don’t know, holotropic breathwork (this session was called Biodynamic Breathwork and Trauma Release – same thing at the core) is about using a series of connected breaths to achieve an altered mind-body state, so that spirit and consciousness can come to front and center. A connected breath just means inhale-exhale and then immediately repeat, with no break in between exhale and the next inhale. They are deep, full breaths with a wide open, relaxed mouth (my technique had to be corrected a few times). After a few minutes, this creates the most amazing sensations within the body that really have to be felt to be known. I will just say that I have never felt energy moving in my body like that ever before; the closest would be during an acupuncture session several years ago I could feel energy moving in my leg. This time, my entire body was tingling and pulsating, from my toes to my lips and nose. My hands and arms seemed to be able to lift on their own, light as a feather. I wondered if I could even levitate like this.
All just from a breathing technique. Being in this state, this total surrender and relaxation, allows the spirit and consciousness to focus totally on healing. What comes up, comes up, and you aren’t necessarily conscious of it. What came up for me was my intense fear of intimacy and abandonment. That is at the heart of all my problems. I have been afraid to be myself and to speak from my heart, and so of course, that fear is exactly what I have manifested. So during this time I was presented with a way to clear that and heal from the trauma caused throughout my life due to this, especially within my karmic (blood) family. I was envisioning looking them in the eye, speaking from my heart, being my true self, and then, letting it go. Suddenly I wasn’t really concerned anymore whether they loved me or not. From the space I was in, I felt such a strong divine, infinite, spiritual love which overpowered that. I just didn’t feel so limited by these earthly situations anymore. I also saw my parents from the standpoint of their own suffering – how they have been hurt by their own parents, even as adults. How their lives have not turned out how they wanted them to be either. How they have not been able to be who they wanted to be, who they really are inside.
I cried at that point, which is why it was nice to not be alone – the wonderful men leading the workshop came and put their hands on my heart, my solar plex, my forehead. They draped a blanket over me. They said soothing words and looked into my eyes with a depth of all the universe. I knew it was going to be okay. It was just a matter of letting extremely powerful, felt energy move through me.
Eventually it did all settle down and I felt normal in my body again – but I was also transformed. My anxiety had melted away, and I was relaxed. I felt connected with heaven, with a place of no problems, with the divine love that creates miracles. There was a sense that something profound had taken place there. I felt gratitude and joy at the wonder of it all.
That was my healing. I was aware of problems with my throat chakra and that it was closed – however I didn’t realize until these past few days that my throat was physically closed too. I have been so stressed out for so long and carrying so much tension and fear in my body, that the back of my tongue has been permanently pressed against my throat. There has been no air flow – the perfect breeding ground for anaerobic bacteria. That was the condition that was causing bad breath. (There were a few other factors too, like post nasal drip and a rogue wisdom tooth that was trapping food and causing a compost situation in my mouth – which I had removed this summer).
I remember hearing many times that stress can be the cause of disease, but I wasn’t aware of what that actually meant – for me, it was simply in how I was holding my body. Don’t think I didn’t suffer and don[‘t think it didn’t ruin my life and opportunities and don’t think I didn’t try everything and drive myself crazy trying to cure it – and amazing, all I had to do was relax!
I also had to look at how this disease was serving me. Funny, this weekend I also came into contact with two animals who are infamous for bad smells – a skunk and a stink bug. They use odor as protection from predators. Nature is full of important lessons for us, and I am paying attention. The truth is, being smelly makes it very easy to not be bothered, especially since I have been an otherwise easy target. I am going to have to put a lot of energy into realizing a few things:
- I am special, which is why people come after me. I need to value myself and protect myself and keep myself out of harm’s way and out of situations where I could be vulnerable.
- My intuition/gut feeling is honest, and to be trusted when people/appearances aren’t.
- It’s okay to say no.
- It’s good to assert myself confidently and boldly. People respect me and need me.
- My words can change the course of my life and the world.
I have shrank from all of these things, and that just can’t happen anymore. And it won’t. The night after the session (last night), I had a powerful dream that validated this – I had an IV in my arm for ozone therapy (one of the many things I tried) and the doctor told me I am not going to be coming back for any further treatments. I asked him why, is it not working? He said, “No. You have done the work.”
🙂
Sure enough – the back of my tongue has been laying flat, I have tested it and it’s clear. I even tested it with ice cream – real ice cream with dairy and sugar, the kind that would have sent those bugs into a feeding frenzy.
Still clear.
I also was tested this morning when I received a message with a black magic meme in it, telling women to turn their profile picture black to show men what a world without women would look like.
I was able to stay silent for about 20 minutes. But I just could not let it go. It was wrong on so many levels. So I responded very simply.
This meme is black magic and I advise against participating in it or any other mass movements like this, such as the “Me Too” movement (which the person who sent this message also participated in) which was started by Asia Argento who was found out to be a child sex abuser herself. Ask who creates these memes and what purpose do they serve? We do not need to traumatize men like this or make all men pay for the crimes of a few. Not all men are abusers. And not all women are victims. Many men and women are loving. And women can be abusers too. Abuse and victimhood, and love, are not owned by one sex or the other. And do not under any circumstances imagine a world without women, unless that is what you want to happen.
It is very clear to me that the creator of this meme is social engineering for a very dark purpose, and of course the brainwashed feminists jump on board. One immediately responded to my message with:
“I proudly posted this to my wall, because women are not going to be silent!” (Clearly not seeing the irony in that I am a female and the intent in her rebuttal was to shut me up). The original sender of the meme also sent a message that she agrees with this feminist.
I blocked her. Imagine a world without women? There you go. You got it.
These types of things are extremely dangerous and I’m not sitting back and watching anymore. If these idiotic women can say something, then surely a wise woman can, and here is what it is, in addition to above:
Men are wonderful. It was men who hosted the breathwork workshop.
When my car fell apart at work last week, who do you think it was that came to my assistance? Men. It was also men who gave me this job in the first place.
A man rang up my groceries and asked me “how are you”. Like, not small talk, but genuine presence.
There are many men who are loving and good. To paint them all with the same brush is a huge mistake. Same as painting all women with the same brush – I am most certainly not one of these women who believes they are oppressed and the way to stand up to oppression is to make a histrionic post on Facebook about it and turn your profile picture black.
In case it isn’t obvious: the way to deal with a bully is head on. Scary, I know. But falling into this mental trap of imagining a world without you is playing right into their hands. You have hexed yourselves.
It’s time to be brave.
Spiritual Life Support 